CHAPTER ONE
HISTORY MAN
Strange don't you think that most of history's superlative moments have evolved around the male species? Well, maybe not so unusual considering how we women were kept barefoot and pregnant, tied either to the family dinosaur or the kitchen sink as the case maybe. Once the dye had been cast then the more lumpy of the genders hadn't a look in and I believe that this trend established itself throughout the ages. The best seller of all time , The Bible, tells of the creation of MAN and WOMAN in The Garden of Eden but what you may or may not know is, that the version you have all become acquainted with is in fact, a rewrite. Yes, yes, I know that may be hard for you to comprehend but I feel obliged to inform you that I have come across a theory that contradicts everything we have been led to believe.
Read on -----
Now you all know the opening line, "In the beginning GOD created MAN.” Well, in actual fact the first being created was WOMAN, all neat and rounded with all her floppy parts tucked discreetly away. What history omitted to say was, that GOD was knackered after creating the Universe and once he had completed his final masterpiece he decided to have a rest. Well, it was Sunday after all and because he was omnipotent he destined it to be an official day of rest and also because the official handbook of, ‘The Really Important People & Entities Union’ (or TRIPE as we in the vernacular refer to it) categorically States (Section 191178567, paragraph 4567098, subsection 1a) that after 6 continual days of grind, manufacturing worlds ONE must utilize the 7th day as a rest day . Failure to comply can lead to painful swelling of the joints and genitals and compromise future compensation litigation. Anyway, I digress, wouldn't you know it just as He was about to settle down with a cold can of Nectar and a dish of Ambrosia he noticed some bits left over from his formation of the female species.
On closer inspection the parts revealed themselves as two rounded bits and a sausage shaped object and because he had a Mother of a migraine coming on he pushed them under a rock until he had finished his siesta. Monday morning arrived and Mondays being the most unpopular day of the newly created week, GOD awoke feeling grumpy and generally out of sorts. Needless to say, he was not functioning at his best and to make matters worse as he was arranging the rockery in the Garden he came across the left over bits of flesh from the day before. By now HE was really pissed and in a desperate fit of pique he rapidly duplicated the form he had created the previous day. Now you know where John Noakes got the saying, "And here’s one I prepared earlier.” But I deviate from my story, He still had the surplus parts and nowhere to put them. In the typical short handed fashion found in Supreme Beings, He stuck them haphazardly on the forehead of the second entity and set both of his children about their way creating civilization.
Just one small problem, the being with the extra embellishments discovered that IT was incapable of walking in a straight and upright manner because the ball like objects were obscuring It’s vision and IT could not feed properly due to the fact that the cylindrical thing kept getting in the way. More embarrassing and beyond It’s limited capacity for logical thinking was the dilemma IT faced whenever the other form wiggled sensuously into sight. This problem had uncomfortable repercussions which presented themselves as a massive stiffening of said sausage thing which gave the impression that IT had been impaled right between the eyes. More than that IT found itself being the object of desire to the newly created animal , the Rhinoceros. This was very alarming as you can imagine, I can think of nothing quite so scary as the unwelcome romantic overtures of a sex starved rhino, can you?
Well, things came to a head, figuratively speaking, and IT resolved to approach GOD or POPS as he was affectionately known in the Garden and GOD being the kind and gentle Super Entity we all know and respect, decided on reflection that maybe these organs were indeed misplaced and with a flick of the wrist, transferred the offensive parts to the nether regions of the being's body (namely between the legs). The rest is history as they say and from that day forward IT was known as HE and later on HE and his friend SHE became known as ADAM and EVE but only after they complained to POPS, I should say, GOD that Bert and Ethel were not quite what you would expect for the MOTHER and FATHER of Civilization .
Anyway, Bert, oops sorry, Adam and Eve did quite well for themselves in the Market Garden business until that funky incident with the snake and the apple and then there was the family feuds, really quite distasteful but that's humans for you.
None of this really made interesting reading but after a few elaborations from the local scribes and a lot of poetic license from the early ancestors of present Sun reporters, GENESIS became popular reading and the BIBLE was on the best seller list. I have no idea whether this revelation will have any lasting effects on the roles of MEN and WOMEN but it does go a long way in explaining the idiom I use frequently in describing my husband. I think you may have used it yourself from time to time, you know the one I mean ... aye thats right ... DICKHEAD.
In keeping with the biblical chronicles I have to disclose that we have all been deluded with tales of epic proportions where MAN has had the leading role and WOMAN has been hidden away in the wings. One in particular comes to mind, the saga of NOAH and the heroic way he saved the good and the pious, namely himself and his family and the entire Animal Kingdom from GOD's wrath. Never mind the obvious nepotism but the facts that were deliberately deleted from the annals of history really get my back up. Not one mention is there to be found telling you, the reader, about his Missus. Not only did she have to cater for the whole family for forty days and nights and muck out the copious amounts of shit produced by the various beasts but she had to suffer the indignity of being ignored when the story was written for posterity.
All of this, while old NOAH exhausted himself with his bloody pigeons did not ease her feeling of antagonism but I am about to set the record straight in her memory and for all WOMEN.
Mrs Noah was in fact from a little known oasis in the desert known as Chipperfieldicus, ringing any bells yet? Yes you've got it, she was the original circus proprietor, trainer of elephants and all things bestial. I mean to say that after the dishes were done and the ARK
Of course way back then she had no inclination that some day there would be interfering buggers like Virginia Travers and Animal Rights Activists to piss on her bonfire or that her augmentation to family entertainment would be concealed by the conceited writings of male novelists but I feel that my contribution in setting the record straight will redeem her legitimate place in antiquity.
I could continue setting history straight in an accurate and articulate manner but I feel that I may lose some of the ambiance in the translation and there is a possibility that I could be the first WOMAN stoned in Britain
Take for instance , that Celt slave, "TARA MACADAM.” The inventor of smooth and durable road surfacing material, who detected the properties of her Mother's disgusting black and inedible porridge after throwing onto the rough Roman roads. She discovered that once the gooh had hardened how much of an improvement there was to be found in travelling by chariot and it has to be said that she was a pioneer in the recycling of non bio degradable crap.
Then there was, "ANNE of DREX" inventor of soft toilet paper who disgusted by the offensive, brown fingers and cut bums of her day found a way of utilizing the scrolls of parchment discarded by the Senate, truly a WOMAN before her time.
Little is written about the Mother of ICARUS who was in point of fact the first beautician. History concealed this little known fact when her silly bugger of a son stole her wax to remove excess body hair in his fateful attempt to fly. It was rumoured that she would have cut off his danglers had he not gone and snuffed it that day, as she was less than pleased at having to cancel her three o' clock bikini wax and at 60 Dinari a time that was no laughing matter . Not when 1 Dinari bought you 2 weeks half board in Ipsos in peak holiday season.
What about, "MONA LISA" Leonardo De Vinci's therapist and counsellor? That serene expression we all know and rave over today in the Louvre was in fact a look of concealed ennui after hours of listening to him rant and rave over flying machines and his endless, "Mother Complex".
I know what you are all saying by now, these women are the figments of an overworked imagination brought on by a lack of HRT and too much time on my hands, but if I cannot convince you of their authenticity let me tell you about :-
JOSEPHINE, Napoleon's leetle beet of Franch parfume. She was in actual fact the designer of the little known, "Biscuit Tin Method of Contraception,” especially for those vertically challenged MEN in your life. It entailed ; standing said short arse on a biscuit tin during love-making and once that glazed look appeared in HIS eyes the tin was abruptly kicked from under HIM, not an entirely sophisticated or reliable method of birth control I grant you but she had initiative, old JOSEPHINE. It also went a long way in explaining why NAPPY always had his hand inside his coat because that is where he kept his croutons fresh when the tin was in use.
Then there was CROMWELL's old mum creator of the fashionable, ‘BOWL CUT’ favoured by the Roundheads and much later by the Nesbits in your infants class who had ‘nits’ not to mention that awful little bugger off the ‘Hovis’ advert.
Last but not least and a particular favourite of mine, is FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE who was never actually destined to be a nurse but who was in truth the first theatre usherette in the Crimea before the invention of the battery operated torch. One evening while completing her rounds of the theatre, worse the wear from a hard night on Russian Wodka and entertaining the troops, she accidentally set fire to one of the soldiers during the big feature. She had inadvertently forgot to turn down the flame of her lamp and the explosive mixture of vodka ignited one of the farts that the poor man had just let go engulfing him from head to toe. Florence
I could go on and on blowing you away with all of this marvellous historical evidence but I feel that I must have got my point across to you by now. There will still be I guarantee sceptics among you readers of little faith. Who will take great delight and a small measure of smugness in reducing this chronicle to ashes but I refuse to be daunted and stand by my sources of information. I will be resolute and maybe one day the world will recognize just how big of a part we WOMEN have played in the making of society and the contributions we made and the sacrifices we have suffered. My voice is only one small noise drowned by the hue and cry of male opposition but I will be heard and the truth will be out and the cynics will be put against the wall and shot...........NO............please I have more to say........more truths to reveal...........ah......here come the men in the white jackets....no more medication please........I'll be good I promise..............
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