AND SO IT BEGINS
After experiencing one unsuccessful marriage and witnessing numerous relationships plunging down the proverbial drain, not to mention (I said not to mention) my many altercations with my present husband - I have, yes, I HAVE, discovered the TRUTH. Mrs Mediocre, from Fair to Middling upon Sea, near Pubically-on-the-Mound, has had the ultimate experience of Divine Manifestation and it is, oh, so, simplistic. I have discovered that the Male and Female of the species speak a totally divergent language. I know you are reading this absolutely astounded but that is it in a nutshell. Not only do we not speak the same lingo we do not communicate on corresponding levels and mostly in my house not even in the same room. This communication problem has deteriorated to a level that concludes we might as well live on opposite ends of the galaxy because we are completely alien to each other when it comes to proclaiming our intentions and feelings between the sexes.
Now once the initial excitement of this profound awakening had dispersed I still had not come up with a solution to the dilemma. What I realized was that I must accept this as fact and not fight the predestined. After all this is the way it has been since time began, the upside being that now I could get on with the rest of my life confident in the knowledge that I am not at fault every time my spouse and I clash. In fact it is rather a pleasant feeling discovering that you are a fully subscribed member of the Female race and that we are in truth the superior sex. Once I had this established in my mind I realized that I as a WOMAN could exist in harmony with these simple cell beings we know as MEN.
Research into the phenomenon has shown me that MAN through the ages has hardly progressed verbally from a grunting, belching anthropoid while on the other hand we WOMEN have developed considerably from that poor sod, whose highlight of the day was being dragged around by the locks at number ‘21 Cave Vistas’ into the peerless specimens of womankind seen today. The fascinating part in all of this is, that MAN has not caught on yet to this exclusive expose due mostly to our sheer brilliance and the fact that we have duped our male counterparts into believing that they could never be as orally challenged as a plank..... or could they?
We have as a species evolved to such a level that we can ;
• outmanoeuvre
• manipulate
• dominate
and well basically, beat the balls off men in every aspect. When you, the reader, absorb this information I guarantee that you will be able to assimilate it in some form or another to the MEN in your individual lives and the experiences you have shared will all become crystal-clear.
However, before I begin with the nitty-gritty and the humiliation of MEN in general, I must state categorically that this is not some kind of initiation into the ‘Sisterhood‘. Burning one's bra is not my bag man, besides gravity could not handle the repercussions and as for renouncing the entire male species, well as a species I would not like to see them extinct entirely. I do cherish men despite their obvious faults and God knows I have snogged thousands of frogs and toads searching for that proverbial Prince. Some of that spit swapping and tonsil wrestling was quite enjoyable and I have a sneaky feeling that it may have paid dividends with my present, ‘Toad of Toad Hall’.
MEN do have a role to play in today's society, my personal interpretation of that role involves lots of grovelling at my feet and subjugation at the hands of the fairer sex. Notwithstanding, I have to say that this is a personal fantasy of mine alone and not a generalization. If you perceive this narrative as a quick and easy solution to your MAN problems then I'm, afraid you will be sorely disappointed. I think, or at the very least hope, that it may assist you in resolving some of those niggling, little issues that leave you feeling frustrated, unloved, or just plain pissed off with certain aspects of your partner. I would not dream of elevating myself to a position where people believed that I had all of the answers. In addition I think it would be fair to say that my miserly, pecuniary situation would never afford the legal fees or counsel to defend me, when the shit hit the fan (legal terminology I've watched Rumpole).
No, this isn't what it is all about or even about whom I am but an exchange of experiences between you - the reader and myself - the author. What follows contains some of my own experiences of the difficulties I have encountered when trying to express myself to my partner. The methods of communication I have attempted to use and how they were perceived by the MAN himself. I hope that they translate well in the writing and convey the message in the true sense in which it was intended.
For the main part, I hope that you are at the very least amused by them, for that was the purpose in which they were assembled. At the end of the day I am merely attempting to highlight no more than unique singularity between the sexes If all you are left with at the end of this little novelette is a sense of well being and complete individuality then I have accomplished my objective with only the slightest of humiliation to the male gender along the way.
Come on, you have to concede on that one, after all I'm a WOMAN and what WOMAN could pass that opportunity over? I hope you will compare these narratives to some aspect of your own lives, ladies. I'm sure that you will, and it would be very interesting to correlate the contrary interpretations of the men and women who read the following passages.
Henceforth, I will post these bloggettes to titilate and fascinate and probably procrastinate. Unlike the Peoples Friend I am posting Chapter One straight after this to wet the appetite and also because I am scared of this blogging lark. So watch these spaces or its the tooth fairy for all of thee .....
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